How to be boring

Welcome to the boring convention! Here you will learn how to be boring.

What's that? You already know about being bored?

Nonsense!

Being boring is a delicate art, which only a few have truly mastered.

To begin, I must insist that you stop smiling. No, really. Stop. Smiling causes other people to think that you are happy, and happy is not boring.

No, no! Don't laugh! Laughter is even worse than smiling!

Laughing causes others to feel a desire to laugh, which is not cohesive with boredom.

Let's try an exercise. See that chair by the wall? Walk slowly to it and sit down.

Now slouch a little. Tilt your head down, and stare blankly at the floor.

Don't twiddle your thumbs! That's in the advanced boredom class.

Just sit there and stare at the floor.

Part of being boring is to not draw interest to yourself. An interesting person is not a boring person.

You can get up now. Next we'll talk about conveying boredom through your speech. When conversing with someone, don't give them your full attention. Let your thoughts wander, and pause before you reply to anything. Let your voice trail off mid-sentence. Don't show any enthusiasm when someone shares something exciting with you. Enthusiasm is not a trait of being boring.

Hey, where are you going? We haven't even gotten to the part about what to do if someone tries to get rid of your boredom!